A Journal 'Bout Me

 if there was a way to make the weather on highways always 72 degrees, then there would be no more highway driving phobias, fears, problems or anything, because everyone would love it.
I love it.
I just drove back up from bloomington and it was wonderful and glorious and I just sang in the car with the windows down and could see my life as the movie montage I've always wanted it to be.

I have been so inspired by this happiness that I'm working on cleaning up the apartment.  This is very exciting.


In other news, there's only one week until spring break, which is FANTASTIC!
I am very excited and cannot wait to bask in the glory of a week off from school.
Also, I think it's interesting what friends do when they realize they've been bad friends.  Also it's interesting what happens when two people interpret a situation differently - ah the hilarity that ensues!  It's a big deal!  No it's not!  Yes it is!

Haha!

Should I invest in a cardigan?

 be be be bah been
put on the scarf and text your friends, it's jewelry day AGAIN!
and you shall see my morning just like a old a bunch of men.

Ugh stop that one and see the movies in the road?
if i could dance with julie andrews i would i would
back to the movie

i eat rueben eat a rueben eat a rueben
because i am a grown up
and saurkraut wait the judge just wouldn't do and the newspaper baby can see the truth.
and the newspaper baby can see eee the truth.
cue the organ.

cue THE organ.

I believe in miracles! meeeracughughles miracles!
PIFFANNIE
she droppped the pen and suddenly the little boots didn't matter any more. GASP HE'S GAY

cher tape in the pool tape
see my song and see my words.
share tape in the poooool tape
and you know the little babies come hommmme.

just give me a couple minutes.  andyourboyfriendsnameisCHUCK
andyourboyfriendsnameisCHUCK

does anyone know about demetri martin? is he a goodie inter-ay-san-tay or is he a NATIONAL CITY BOOGER COLLECTOR?

I have to hurry because I need to start my day. Today is the beginning of tech week for my show --- DURANG O RAMA which really, if you're in the midwest area you have no excuse not to come.
( show dates.... )
It's such a funny show. 5 Christopher Durang one acts. All Comedy, All Great.
We're starting tech week and it's crazy. I've got costume changes to practice and everyone is filled with a nervous sort of excitement because we're like the little engine that could, and our little show that once was just a dream of good Durang theatre now is true. So on Friday we begin the journey of this 8 show run. Man, I'm excited. I'm excited to do a show and I'm also excited because so many people in Indy that I know haven't seen me do any theatre. So buckle up and get ready to roll, babies!

In other news, Lindsay, Braden and I watched a few movies last night and somehow got to talking about the hottest celebrities. So here, is a short picture quiz for you.
Drumroll......who is the gorgeous one?  YOU DECIDE.  (because we already did.....)

Penelope or Kate Hudson?
 

Debra Messing or Rachel McAdams?
 

and finally -- Kate Beckinsale or Selma Hayack?
  


aaand that concludes this lil' entry.
OFF TO SILK SCREEN!

I just woke up from a dream where Obama was at my house. My childhood house!
Him and my first boyfriend and Annie and Braden and my parents and I feel like some others.
-but he took a shower with Annie! In my bathroom! He changed clothes into this comfy brown pseudo bowling shirt. None of us were surprised that he was at my house, it was just normal.
He read a magazine on my bed while I tried to show off these napkin things.


I can't remember the last time I had a dream about a political figure, so this is pretty big for me.

Honestly? I'm terrified - and why wouldn't I be? It's New Year's Eve and for the first time in my life, I really don't know where I'll be next year. I don't know if I'll be happily learning about being a Montessori teacher in the beautiful greys of Oregon, or if I'll be sadly learning about being a Montessori teacher in the dull and gloomy Oregon. I don't know if I'll be in Oregon. I don't know if I'll have made any new friends, or if I'll have managed to keep the ones that I've made here.
Today we are preparing for our New Year's party. We've got a slender guest list and that means a lot of cake for each person, and somehow I have this feeling that when the 5,4,3 starts I'm going to cry. I don't know where I'll be next year, and I don't know where all these Indy Dindy friends are going to be. I've lived with Lindsay for three years. We started as freshman, not knowing each other and just catching glimpses in between classes. I knew she had a good handshake and liked Spaghetti-O's. She knew I favored pajama pants starting around 5 o'clock and that I ate organic macaroni and cheese.
I don't know how we're going to do it all. We have to find a place to live and we're getting married.
The knot notified me that we've got six months. Six months and I've been too scared to go to my damn fittings. I want to feel stellar in my outfit and frankly, if I don't feel awesome, I don't care how you think I look. I need to feel awesome, and then I'll look great. If I need to get some strange fat squeezers to wear under my dress then hey, I will. I think I need to bite the bullet and go get my fitting before school starts again, because then I won't have any time.
I need to make the invitations soon. Sheesh.
I need to finish the guest list.
Tomorrow we're going to meet with Nan, our super ordained head honcho. She is made of honey and warmth. I know that she will help some of my wedding anxiety. I'm just hoping that I know the answers to her questions.
Do I know what kind of ceremony I want to have?
Since we don't associate with specific religions, we've got to make our own traditions. We've got to sort through the junk drawer of customs and find ones that we like. I'm pretty sure we've got to write our own vows. Goodness gracious.
We have to get the suits for the boys - which really means we need to get the sizes for the boys for the suits and then get the suits.
No, Robin, I don't want polka dot ties. I want green ones.
I want ribbons.
I want ribbons and magic and outside glory.

I need to go buy a magazine and cut out pictures and calm myself down.
What songs with they play?
What the hell will the guests eat?
I'm packing fruit leather and cheese - and you'll eat it! You hear me?! You'll eat it!

I wonder where we'll be next year. What our new year will be. Will we be home here again to celebrate or will we have so many new friends who own big airplane companies that we can just fly all our friends to where we are.
How will we pack all of our belongings into a tiny U-haul and haul it across the country?
What an adventure.

I'm nervous.

I looked out on the porch earlier and saw a tiny tomato who is still fighting to live and grow even though it's been cold. I think the random warmth fooled him a little.
Our downstairs neighbors sometimes have jam parties and boy do they pump the bass!
It'll wake up Lindsay and she'll be mad. Once upon a time Lindsay and I lived in the campus apartments and someone either above or below us, I think below, was playing their bass really loud and so loud that it made our pots and pans shake and jingle. We danced to the extra kitchen rhythm. It's a shame I can't spell rhythm. Spell check? Thanks doll.

You know what's great, though? Durang O Rama! Our super awesome and funny and crazy Durang show. I'm so happy to be doing this show with my Mom. I know that it's going to be awesome and as much as I want to perform the final performances, I'm trying to savor the rehearsals because they are splendid.

I took a shower earlier because I couldn't go back to sleep and now I'm cold.
Maybe a nap is in my future.
We need to go to the grocery store.
The music is still pumping.
How can I type so fast when I never learned the appropriate way?
How interesting.

I don't know where this is going. I just heard Saint shake his head so hard that his lips smacked together. He is a good dog and someday I will have a dog and I hope he is as sweet as Saint.

So stay warm, 2009 warriors. Put up your balloons and create chaos with your noise makers. Enjoy the party and bang pots and pans together with wooden spoons like we did when we were little.
Love love love.

I love being your friend. You know that, right? You must, because when you've got a thing, or you need me, I magically appear. There's no way you don't notice what I do for you, right? Right. You can see how much I care and love and need you. You're my friend, and I am loyal to you. I listen to your rants, I wipe your tears. I laugh with you and pick up the pieces when you're destroyed.
I do that messy work.
I've got tissues in my pocket just in case you explode.

Why aren't you mine?
Yes, girls, I'm talking to you.
What the hell?

And then, of course, boys will be my friend. They talk to me and laugh and get freaked out when I cry, but they handle it.

And then what do you say?

"So-and-so only talks to you because you have big boobs."

Oh really? You're right, 'cause this isn't school, it's a club. I came ready to mate and woo hoo the chest is ready tonight! How about my brain? How about my art? Maybe I'm funny and they like my jokes? Maybe I'm smart and interesting?
At least you could say they like me for my FACE.

So what's the deal? Eh? Huh?
I don't get to be friends with girls because I've somehow managed to be too good a friend, or something, but when I try to be friends with boys I get punished and yelled at.

Okay.
So Braden is all I get.
I get to be friends with Braden. Aaaand my Mom? Sure. You can do that.
How about my teachers at school?
NO. That's crossin' the line, missy.


Maybe this is the finals talking. Maybe this is all just stress and tired and a little wintertime illness piling up into something crazy. Maybe it is, or maybe I'm just finally realizing that I don't have any friends.
And when I say friends, I really mean friends. I don't know who you grew up with, or what your friends were like, but for me a friend is someone that is happy when you call them. They're someone who tells you their feelings and is okay with being vulnerable with you because they know you care about them and they care about you. It's a two way street. You take care of each other.
The world kind of sucks sometimes and I can't imagine not having anyone there to pick you up.
A friend is someone who sits at the lunch table with you.
They're allowed to poke fun because you've got trust between you.
trust and vulnerability and communication and kindness.
Is this not what friends are?

I understand that not all friends are these kind of friends.
Sometimes you've got school-friends, because you bond over the rough tests and cute boy in the third row, but you don't tell them about your abusive family life or the tension with your brother.
Sometimes you've just got friends of friends, good for laughter and bowling, but you don't want to cry in their arms. If they're sad, you're not 100% sure what to say.

I just don't know.
I am finishing my semester.
I am working hard.
I want to juggle it all and have nothing fall down, but if you've already dropped our friendship ball, then maybe I should put it to the side, too?

I'm a softie, okay?
I get really sad and I've accepted this. I get emotional, and if that's too much, okay. Fine. It's a little late in the game to try and find new friends, but I'll give it a try.

I guess I just worry that someday this pain will affect me. I mean really get to me. I don't want to be a jaded old woman who has lost her optimistic beliefs in the kindness of strangers, but maybe that'll happen. I don't want to be cranky and bitter and tell my grandchildren that friends'll screw you over worse than any man, but who knows.

It's just been a rough start to the morning, I guess.
Braden says it can only get better, but I don't know, we'll see.

Oh livejournal, I remember when we connected daily, and now, alas, it's been two weeks.
Such a shame.
Such a grown-up hella-busy shame shame shamble.
Anyway. No time to weep over bad biscuits, let's make up for lost time with a big big entry! (aaaahhh the crowd goes wild!)

The semester is almost over. This is the final push, so wipe the sweat off your forehead and give it your all, kid, and then we can have Christmas. In order to make sure I finish out this semester appropriately, I've got a billion little lists here and there reminding me of what I need to be doing. Today I really should go buy some new fancy glue (PVA) and magical fabric that I can stick to things to make little boxes for my Lil' Sinners cards.

I also need to go to the ceramics building and pick out pictures of animals that I want to draw on mugs for the sale. (The sale is December 5th 9-5 at the iupui campus center and if you can come PLEASE do.)

I'd also like to sleep today without feeling guilty about it, which is difficult when you've got someone close by who longs to sigh loudly and complain about how hard they're working. Just stop it, you, and let me enjoy my day off.

I painted my fingernails red to make me feel prettier amidst the stress.

The wedding? Oh, that old thing? I need to buckle down and pick out what sort of undergarments I'll be sporting so that my dress maker man can measure me.


I really just want it to be winter break so that I can sit at home and print out the invitations and thank you cards and start decorating the favors -- which will be match boxes!


Saturday school is over, by the way. I had a pretty good time with my little sprouts, but felt bad because their small class echoed the feelings of people not caring that our own senior class gave me. I e-mailed Susan and told her I might not be able to teach in the spring because I'll be so busy. Why, you ask? What would make me busier than my senior year of college, applying for montessori and planning my wedding?
HOW ABOUT A SHOW?!


YES YES YES! For the first time since FOREVER I get to do a show where I have a FANTASTIC part and can work with actors who can act! Amazing, right?
I am thrilled to announce that we've started rehearsals for a splendid grouping of DURANG one acts. I am pumped. The shows will be going up late January and early Feb and I couldn't be happier.
Getting to do a hilarious show with my mom before I graduate and try to make a life for myself is the ultimate gift. I am very happy and know that while I'm decorating match boxes at the kitchen table with my mother, we'll be going over our lines.

So let's finish the semester. Let's buckle down because there are joyous prizes on the horizon and I can't wait to taste the glory of happiness.

Once again I am up when I should/could/would be sleeping.
The apartment is quiet and every once in a while I can hear Mikey, the cat, bounding around and I'm sure he's involved in an intricate game of make believe.

I need to stop the sneezing and get back on the train to slumberland.

We will clean the house when we wake up.
I will tackle the toilet.
I am brave.

I dyed my hair last night.
I'm still not an expert and covered certain areas more than others. Don't call me patches quite yet, but maybe you can once I see my head in the sun.

We've got one month left of school.
One month with Thanksgiving included.
Get working, baby.

I need to crank out a whole new ceramics piece, rock out my monotype series, (which is becoming more of an installation) whiz through my geology tests and final, plow through my creative nonfiction final portfolio and pull a J400 presentation out of my butt.
It's going to be rough.

Our opening went really well. I've never had so many people like my art, never mind having so many people tell me they want to buy it! Pricing can be tough cookies.

Okay, girlie, let's blow the nose and chug the water and dive back into bed and pass out.
Deal?
Deal.

HALLELUJAH


i am crying and so proud and so excited for america

one - all the girls who just dressed up as whores for halloween. You, ladies, are giving girls a bad name - I don't care about the whore part, I care about the UTTER LACK OF CREATIVITY you stupid pull-it-out-of-a-bag-it-looks-like-everyone-else's-stupid-stupid-stupid.

two - there's this commercial for HPV and talking to your doctor and I tried to get the clip, but it has REALLY happy music and I was surprised how offense it was. I don't care if you're trying to infuse hope with your musical stylings, don't pick a really chipper song while the text says "three out of four women will get HPV in their lives..."

three - the election is tomorrow. Do you HONESTLY NOT KNOW WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR?!
Oh my sweet holy Lord.
Learn to read.
Learn to listen.
Learn to make a decision. My goodness. This is HISTORY people. HISTORY AND YOU SHOULD BE HONORED TO BE A PART OF IT. If I hear one more time that "they are both just politicians and I hate politicians" or "lesser of two evils" or "it doesn't matter, they're the same"
NO.
It does matter, actually.
Find the stance that matters to you. Is it, say, RIGHTS FOR WOMEN!? Then vote for Obama. Maybe you're into guns - whatever it is, figure it out you lazy piece of American butt.

I think I try to hold onto too many people.
Is this so?
Is it so bad to want to keep your friends while greedily wanting more?
Do I need to throw some out before getting new ones?
Do you just not want to be my friend?

Saint is farting.
I need to work on my robot costume.

Today is a happy day. I refuse to let the dreary rain get me down. Today is going to be fantastic because today is a celebration for me and Braden.
You know what happened two years ago?
He asked me to be his girlfriend and I died of excitement.

I'm just a big bundle of smiles.
Two years and now we're getting married.
Our wedding is going to be fantastic and I don't care who disagrees.

Tonight we'll feast on lasagna and champagne. Clearly we have a thing for silent G's.

He got me socks with birds on them.
He got me a little makeup/pencil pouch with a frog on it who says "think green!"
He got me awesome Victoria's Secret mascara and lip gloss and Heidi Klum eyeshadow.

We are awesome lovers.

I am in space.

Here I go!

So you know the cartoons that told you of the world where pills could turn into hamburgers? The world of the future, all your meals created with a drop of water and POOF there's a four course meal!

Well.
I got this free little thing at Marsh. They gave me a free little molten cake from Betty Crocker.
It felt really light when I got it. I put it in the pantry but then today I decided to eat it.
Inside the package was a little bag of powder and a little bag of liquid fudge. I followed the directions.
1 - Empty package, add 1 Tablespoon of water and 1 teaspoon of water.
2 - Stir
3 - Open the fudge
4 - Apply Fudge
5 - Microwave for 30 seconds



30 seconds and out came a CAKE.
It was powder and I added water and then it was CAKE.
IT WAS CAKE.
A LITTLE TINY CAKE INSTANTLY.


how is this possible?
We are in the future.
Welcome.

Scene -
we're at Chris & Steve's wedding, sitting at the table and enjoying our drinks and the little pouches of four or five hershey kisses each.

I eat mine and later Robin, Braden's mom comes over.

Robin: You ate ALL OF YOUR CHOCOLATES ALREADY?!
I look up at her
Robin: You'd better hit the dance floor to burn that off!

Why is it that on the days when I am allowed to sleep in, I wake up and can't go back?
This is irritating.
I want to catch up on my sleep. I want to stop sneezing. I thought allergy time was over, but I guess not?
I don't want to be a year round allegra user.
Maybe I'm addicted.
Shit.

School is busy. My senior status gives me strength each day. I went to visit Annie in her brand new freshman dorms at IU and she introduced me to her friends. I felt silly.
One girl asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I answered, I'm already grown up - - that day I had gone to Montessori meetings to figure out the next step in becoming a Montessori school teacher.
It felt strange.
Couldn't she see I was almost done?

In my creative non-fiction class we have a variety of age groups, and a lot of older students. They make me feel like it's wrong that I'm 21 and on my way out. I just want to ask them, what were you doing? Granted, they were probably working to get the money to go to college, but I get the feel from a few that they were just partying down and enjoying life before buckling down to higher education.

Wedding planning is going great. Frankly, sometimes I don't understand why people freak out about it so much. It's a big party. Why on earth would you want to spend money on stupid stuff like chair covers and personalized little cakes? Cakes are nice, but you eat the cake. You cut the cake, and you eat the cake. I want cake that tastes good. Sure, I don't want it to look like a pile of somethin', but it doesn't need to be an eighteen tiered floral bonanza.

I've got the bridesmaid dresses on lockdown. We are circling in on the boys' suits. My dress? We've got a costumer/designer on the job. A wonderful one from Bloomington. He's bringing me swatches! I am thrilled. The only bad thing about this is that I need to figure out my undergarments STAT so that I can go get measured.

We've got our band - Busman's Holiday - I'm ecstatic about them - although I feel I need to have more meetings so we're all on the same page. I've got my venues. I've got my photographers. I've got my cake toppers. I've got my officiant, who we have to meet with, too. I've got save the date things and plans and invitation sketches and I mean, overall, I feel like I'm pretty on track.
Sure, we don't know what we're gonna feed 'em, but we'll figure it out. I need to go to Bloomingfoods and see about catering.
Hmmm

So that's the story for now.
I'm going to go and take my allegra so that my nose will shut up. I'll have to eat something so that my pill stays happy in my stomach, and then maybe I'll be able to catch a few more Z's before my class.
I am determined. I will sleep again before geology comes a-knockin' on my door.

If you, my Bloomington friends, know any cheap and lovely food-eries that could cater a shindig like mine, lemme know. My wedding peer, the girl who is a fountain, is going to have Yats cater her wedding - up in Indy.

So, yes, that's that. Time to start the allegra food and rest time before embarking on the daily journey to school, which involves a snakey path because of the HORRIBLE construction that blocks our apartment complex away from the real world.

Good luck today.

Even though we've been cleaning up the house, it's still a mess. Braden bought me flowers (maybe a week ago?) and though some are still alive, some have past their time. He put little tiny post-it notes on the stems of eleven flowers and the phrases are now stuck to my desk. They shout confidence to me while I sit at the computer, but I worry about when they'll peel off and suddenly I'll have romantic statements stuck to my feet.

Today is September 21st. It's Sunday morning and even though I told myself I was going to sleep in, I'm already up. I'd like to eat french fries but I don't think we have any. I need to do homework, but I just want a break. I've been going to school full time, 18 credit hours and all, and then teaching Saturday school, too. We'll see how I manage, because I don't know how I'll be able to be an all star this whole time.

There's a dog wailing outside the window. I'm hoping Saint doesn't hear it or he'll start the midnight bark and the whole complex will be barking for the dalmatian puppies.

There are enormous spiders that haunt our front door. Even though we've all destroyed the webs and swept it clean, they come back, bigger and more determined. Little ones like to make instant webs on the side mirrors of my car. I really don't like it, and hope when it's colder it will stop.

There's another senior ceramics student who is engaged. She's like a non-stop fountain of wedding passion. Her wedding will be very different from mine. She has six bridesmaids and they get to wear whatever they want. She's doing a fifties asian theme. Her fiance is going to wear a powder blue suit.

Braden's Mom gave me a HUGE pink easy-wedding-planning-book. I will probably open it today. I don't know how helpful it will prove to be, but I know it'll be better than the thick and chunky style wedding etiquette one.

The wedding is nine months away. I don't know if I'm making the invitations, okay? I don't know how to use a computer and I'm not sure if I want to hand paint all of them.

I'm really hungry. I need to creep back to bed and fall asleep before my stomach destroys the planet with its wrath. There are no french fries in the house and there will be destruction.

Okay. I guess that's all for now. Oh! My vulture stands up! I was pretty pumped about that. Okay bye.

There is now a possibility for vintage fox salt and pepper shakers for CAKE TOPPERS!


Yay eBay!

Okay real quick - I hate waking up from bad dreams because I can't get the images out of my brain.
I had two not so great dreams. In one of them, there was some big event for all of my exes. Max wasn't there and I was so mad, he couldn't even show up for an event for him IN MY DREAMS?!
Ugh, figures.
Second - my parents got another dog, a wonderful little french bulldog but they TOOK OUT HIS EYES TO CLEAN THEM.

horrible.

Just like McCain, Palin opposes a woman’s right to choose. Palin has also stated her opposition to abortion even in cases of rape or incest.

She supported the 1998 constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.
Palin said she's not out to judge anyone and has good friends who are gay, but that she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment.

She is a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association.

I can't believe that McCain thinks that women are stupid enough to think that Palin=Hillary. Are you serious? I am outraged and horrified to see if our country proves to be as dumb as he thinks we are.
She doesn't want women to have the right to choose, she doesn't want any GLBT rights and she loves guns. I hope everyone who has the power to vote this time does, and do your research before you make your decision. Good Lord, this is gonna be messy.

edit: OH AND SHE WANTS CREATIONISM TO BE TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS ALONGSIDE EVOLUTION!

Consider the bridesmaid's dresses BOUGHT